By Colene W. House, RDH

Conflict happens. Sounds like a bumper sticker, doesn't it? But it's true! Conflict is a fact of life, albeit an unwelcome one. I don't think anyone in a reasonable state of mind plans to become embroiled in conflict. However, at one time or another we have all fallen victim to it.

The experts refer to conflict as "interpersonal disputes." Call it anything you want, but no matter where you encounter conflict, it comes with feelings of discomfort. Your heart races, your face flushes or drains of color, your mouth gets dry, your palms sweat, and your brain goes into hyper-drive or stalls out completely. Me? I typically stall out. Nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense, if anything comes out at all! It's only hours later that a seemingly appropriate response comes to mind. That's when I brilliantly argue with my shower walls, my steering wheel, or myself as I apply makeup. I can retreat to my shower or car and safely argue and nobody argues back. I always win!

But here's the rub. Is it about winning, or is it about finding a reasonable solution? Even though we all know the answer, that particular bit of information magically disappears the moment conflict rears its ugly head.

Is there any place immune to conflict? No! Dental offices are just as prone to problems as any other place of employment. Large or small practice, the potential is always there. Perhaps as the number of employees increases, so do the opportunities for conflict. Handling conflict between women is especially tricky because we often wear our feelings on our sleeves.

I can't speak from a man's point of view. I know men handle conflict differently than women. Women pout for days, talking to anyone except the one they are having a problem with. Have you ever noticed when you harbor feelings of resentment with someone, you have trouble looking that person in the eye? To be involved with conflict creates a definite feeling of discomfort. No one I know likes to feel uncomfortable, so why do we take so long to deal with it? Conflict is like a cancer that can spread through an office until someone steps forward to dispel it. That first step is the hardest, but each step that follows gets a little bit easier. Be brave, take a deep breath, and start talking. Speak with sincerity, and start with something like, "You know I love working with you, but something you did (or said) hurt my feelings."

Over the years, I've learned that the targeted person usually has no idea he or she did something to cause a problem. Several years ago, my husband bought a little convertible for me. The one instruction that he gave me was not to park the car under a tree! So in total commitment to follow his instructions, the first day I drove my ragtop to work, I chose the one spot in the area where the employees park that wasn't under a tree. Now, by this time, I'd been working in the same practice for several years and to my knowledge, parking spaces had never been assigned. I usually parked next to Barb's car because she got there before I did. Ironically, we always arrived in the same order every day, so everyone always parked in the same spot. It never occurred to me when we hired a new assistant that she was also attached to "her spot," which was the one spot not directly under a tree. You know where I'm going with this, right? So here I am, elated not only to have the cutest little ragtop, but also to have the absolute sweetest husband ever! Everyone was oohing and ahhing over my cute little car. Well, almost everyone. Unbeknownst to me, there was someone who didn't give a flip how sweet my husband was or how cute my car was. Later that morning, Kathy pulled me aside and asked in a low voice if I would move my car out of Debbie's (not her real name) spot. "What spot?" I asked with a dumb look on my face. "Look, just go move your car so she'll quit slamming drawers back in our lab!" Oops! OK, my bad. I was thoughtless, I admit, in my moment of elation. And honestly, all Debbie had to do was ask me. No big deal. But it took her a week to talk to me again, and in the meantime, everyone was walking on eggshells — over a parking place!

Bottom line? Be considerate of your co-workers, and don't hold a grudge. Apologize sincerely. Getting in someone's face has no place in a professional setting, and the silent treatment went out in sixth grade! Have an open mind and be willing to take criticism. Try to give criticism constructively and diplomatically. Pretend you're on the receiving end, because it's the collective effort that makes everything work. An interesting thing happens after conflict resolution — a feeling of cohesiveness. A closeness that was briefly forgotten is regained, and we remember how to work together.

In my office, we've been working together so long that we all seem like sisters. We fight like sisters, but we love each other like sisters and that's the best part! Giving each other support in times of sadness, rejoicing in times of happiness ... It doesn't get much better than that. Handling conflict in a graceful way is a part of growing up, and growing up ain't always easy.

Colene W. House, RDH, is a 1971 graduate of Central Piedmont Community College in Charlotte, N.C. She has spent the majority of her time in clinical dentistry, and has helped design soft?tissue management programs for the offices where she has worked. Being actively involved with the Eblen Foundation Sealant Program, House helps to provide free sealants for first? and second?grade children from schools throughout the county in the dental clinic at Asheville—Buncombe Technical Community College. After 36 years in dentistry, House now pursues her love of writing. She may be contacted at colenehouse1257@charter.net.